Karma

Something I have been really thinking about is karma. But not how karma is simply a return on the investment of good things you do for people. The people who explain karma think that this is actually false. Karma is more of a manifestation of where you put yourself in your life. It kind of makes sense. If I am messy all of the time, I constantly get frustrated that I lose my things, or things are unclean. If I hang out with a group of mean people who punch down, they can eventually do something to me. If I don't date with the intent of finding someone compatible, I end up with someone who will inevitably make me feel hollow. Karma is not some weird fairy that grants you outcomes, it's more of a choice.

Deleted

While swiping on Hinge, I saw a guy that I swiped on Bumble who matched me but never responded to my chat, and it made me start to think about how every single guy keeps showing up on different apps, and how I need to be on fewer apps. But then, when I was deciding which ones to delete, I realized that none of them made me happy at the moment. So I deleted them all. I'm going underground for a bit. This means I will have to deal with my fear of not meeting single guys head on for a few months. It's fine.

The experiment fails

After my success with C in having some unattached fun, I sought out some other partners.  I matched with a really attractive guy, or so it seems.  We chatted briefly on Tinder and then I texted his phone.  We proceeded to chat about the previous week and all the exciting things that happened in DC.  He seemed engaged.  Before I went to bed, I took a selfie for him, and then didn't think anything of it.  The next few days we were determining how to meet and I shared a photo of my breasts.  He said he couldn't wait to stay at my place (he had roommates so I couldn't go over to him) and I realized after asking my housemates about things that they are not too keen on having visitors now (and it is unlikely that they will be without a widespread vaccination program).  I thought about creative ways we could meet and hook up outside the home.  I became really single-mindedly focused on hooking up for sex with a cute and interesting guy. I missed a bunch of red flags and made rookie mistakes.  Meanwhile the texting conversation became fixated on more photos of, you guessed it, my tatas-- and so at some point I started to ask for photos from him and I became more aggressive about seeing his face.  After a pretty raunchy conversation, he sends me a final chat asking me for a photo standing up.  I tell him that he can have one after he sends me another photo.  And then total radio silence.  It appears as if I have been ghosted.  I realize that not only have I probably been deceived by this guy and he is probably not really who he says he is, but I shared some nude (and faceless) photos with God knows who.  It's actually quite funny because this is the first time this happened to me in all of online dating, but I think the derangement of being stuck at home is finally affecting me in ways where I totally compromise what I am willing to do.  

C Part 2. Plus some other things.

I was planning to finish writing about the date I had last Friday.  It has been a week, so I will sketch out a few details.


We met at the music concourse near the De Young, and walked around for a while wearing facemasks.  Our plan was to find some nice spot to watch the sunset.  I brought a thermos full of hot chocolate that we could enjoy together.  The conversation went on like a house on fire and I could definitely sense strong chemistry.  When we reached the top of the hill and sat down, it wasn't too long before we were making out, snuggling, and holding hands.  And it was good, in contrast to the situation that happened two months ago with the other guy I dated.  


Why was it good?  We communicated openly and pretty honestly.  I would say something.  He would listen and respond to it like it wasn't weird or unusual.  I have had this with partners in the past, but I felt like I was always too much for the person.  With C, I didn't really feel like he took offense to anything I wanted or anything I said.  And it made the interaction very valuable to me.  


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C and post hookup thoughts. Pt 1.

I can't sleep so I'm getting some words in about the person I met with on Friday.

As I said before, we met on Tinder. I didn't see any detail in his profile but something drew me in. Perhaps, the curls in his hair, or the eyes, or the fact that he was posing with a facemask. Either way, we started talking and we hit it off. This led to about a couple weeks of back and forth, where we would exchange a few words and I wouldn't hear back from him for a while, but it didn't really bother me too much because i wasn't invested.

Then two weeks ago we started following each other on Twitter. He had shared some digital art from his profile with me so I told him my twitter account. We exchanged a few more messages about holiday lights, his living situation (with his partner but also he had a separate apartment for his own edification) and then at some point we finally made an arrangement to see the lights in Golden Gate Park near Peacock Meadow. The entire time I felt he was a bit eccentric and didn't really know what to make of the girlfriend situation, but I was intrigued and I wanted to see the lights.

Jan 1st, 2020

Went out with another guy I met on Tinder. If I were to be completely honest, I'd say we hit it off really well due to a number of things that might have nothing to do with us at all. I would also probably say that I could be smitten with him if I met him before his partner did. I mention this because he's in an open relationship and I'm not worried because I'm not looking to be attached. My instinct tells me that we will keep seeing each other but that it will probably have an expiration date. That date will be determined by a number of things, but I'm thinking about keeping everything casual until this pandemic is over.

2020 Goes Out

Not with a bang but with a whimper.

This year I complete my path around the sun with two flings.  One fling that could have ended up serious but fizzled out in a fairly undramatic and apathetic way.  The other fling ending just as it was starting.  I don't consider this to be a failure.  

This year, I became deliberate.  I had to because of the pandemic.  Things that seemed like a waste of time, and people seemed like a waste of time were discarded.  They had to be.  People who I held dearest got more and better attention from me.  My job became a huge component of my life in good ways and possibly in toxic ways as well.  I traveled, but never left California.  I got to sleep under the stars and I got to see the milky way.  I ran a marathon through San Francisco.  

I was also really lost.  Lost about who I am as a person.   Given this period of loneliness and singledom which has lasted for a while, I struggled to figure out if I wanted to be with someone or if I missed consistent sex. I tried putting myself out there, and it wasn't hard until it was.  The hard part was wondering how much another person fit into my life.  I struggled with rejecting them when I realized that they didn't meet my needs because I wondered if I was being hard on them.  And yet, it was somewhat comforting to know that I could pick up my phone and do it again, and that I don't have to if I don't want to.    

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Itchy

Life is good.

Life is also filled with itches that I can't scratch.

The most important itchiness is travel. I miss the ease of flying to a foreign country so much that it drives me a bit insane. When I think of all the places I could have gone this year, it's a bummer.

Over Thanksgiving my parents got me hooked on this show with two Russian travelers hopping from country to country. They flipped coins and one got a limitless credit card and the other could only spend $100/day. And that was all they had to think about. No job, no overpriced housing, no romantic yearnings, no disappointing zoom events. A new city every few days.

I guess it is escapism, but I'm itching to escape something.

Post-dating reflection

I went to Death Valley this weekend with my socially distanced group of running mates (We run together every week so they're like a bubble and camping was pretty low risk). Then I drove to my parents house in LA. I love camping in the middle of nowhere and being self-reliant. I want someone who aligns with me 100% when it comes to having fun this way. When I actively try to seek them, I end up being disappointed or settling for something less because it might still be okay. I feel like as I get older, I meet people who really understand me and my kind of fun even on a platonic level and that is good for not being alone. The functionality of romantic relationships fades into the background for now, although I'm still holding on to the hope that I meet a person and it's more than platonic.

And so it goes..

Yesterday, I wrote something about D that was more couched in optimism than in reality.  Today, I pulled the trigger and unmatched him on Ok Cupid.  I knew it was the right thing to do.  He still has my phone number, but I didn't want to see him in my messages since I had already moved on and started looking at other people.  

Romantic disappointment is definitely a thing I am experiencing more frequently.  I think as I get older and name what I want, I will be more inclined to not go along with things because I have developed feelings or whatever.  

Anyways, the real reason to update was because Larry David's daughter published a book and in the book she is crying hysterically into her father's arms about her split with Pete Davidson, and then he says a line that I really appreciated.

“CAZZIE, COME ON!” Larry David told her. “YOUR ANCESTORS SURVIVED THE HOLOCAUST!”

It's all about perspective right?

https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2020-11-11/cazzie-david-essayist-on-no-one-asked-for-this-pete-davidson-nepotism