Science · vs. · Romance

Back in high school, I held a tutoring job. I was 15 and was paid around 5 dollars an hour to help with math problems. I did a lousy job but I did have extra money.

My slacker sister was doing some 'green' side-business and needed some up front cash. She promised me to return the amount in the form of concert tickets for a band that I was really excited about seeing. The band was called, "The Beastie Boys." This was my first ever concert and I was extremely stoked. Not only that, but going to a huge concert in LA for a band that my parents would flat-out reject was impossible for a teenaged me living in the San Fernando Valley without a car, so it was a huge deal.

The deal came through, so a group of my sister's friends and I headed off to the Great Western Forum where the Beastie Boys proceeded to rock out to "Intergalactic," "Sabotage," "Sure Shot," "Brass Monkey" and other favorites. It was definitely one of the more memorable concerts that I attended.

RIP Adam Yauch, a.k.a. MCA, Nathaniel Hornblower, Cochese. You were my favorite Beastie and my first major concert.
http://youtu.be/c78B8PRiQ2o

I have been thinking about the major time sucks in my day. Normally, I check livejournal once every few weeks so this website doesn't apply. I am worried that I might need to assess where I am spending time the most and then take a few days off so I can reassess whether I really need to be wasting my personal bandwidth on these websites.

I am talking about:
Facebook
Email
Google+
Google Reader
Reddit.

I know Facebook is a problem because like I pointed out in the last entry, I have become kind of disgustingly obsessed with my not having some major life milestone (i.e. marriage, birth, PhD) to share. Also, sometimes I feel like when I post on there, I am like the crazy woman ranting on top of the hill. When I get to write here, I am sure people will read it, but most of it will be voluntary so I won't feel bad invading other people's profiles.

I am at the age where my Facebook is rapidly becoming a place for ultrasounds, wedding photos, and engagement announcements. None of this is actually happening to me or my core group of friends but at least for me the shift in life patterns has ultimately been delayed by getting papers. That is right, if I do not get enough publications, my Facebook status may turn single and I will be forever alone. Until then, I will try really hard to block out the noise of my biological clock.

This is me most of the time in grad school.

In February of 2003, I was accepted into Stebbins Co-op (cooperative student housing), where I would live for almost three years. The experiences I had there and the people I met changed my life for the better. I am indebted to those wonderful moments and to those friends that I made. The next month also coincides with the ninth 'Gaynaversary,' where my friend had revealed to me a secret that would transform his entire outlook on life, also for the better. I should also mention that four years ago, I met this man who had a boyish face at a dive bar in Sunnyvale (and I might have driven at least once around the bar to make sure he wasn't a rapist). I did not see him as a huge part in my life back then, but in the span of several months that would change dramatically.

On a quirkily related note, it is the seven year anniversary of my ingestion of Steve Jobs birthday cake, and the first birthday that he is no longer with us.

I want to start a book club. Just like everything else in my life, I will probably be seeking out folks on the internet to do it..

I found a group on meetup.com that is reading a book that sounds pretty interesting so I think I will check it out. Meetup is expensive for what it is, but many people seem to be using it.

These days, it is hard to talk about grad school. There are okay days, and then there are days when I am full of panic. Some stability would be nice.

When my grandfather was on the hospital bed that would be his last ever, he struggled quite a bit and my family who happened to be present at the time told me they had to restrain him. It was not a pretty situation, but deep in my mind I figured he would be okay so I did not start moving until it was too late. Instead of experience, I had to rely on stories, but this one burned into my mind.

One of the last things he said when he was struggling with the nurses was, "I want to die."

He passed out soon after that.

Then some time later, he woke up in a haze and said "I want to live."

My grandfather had been through a lot. Fascism, communism, alcoholism, and heart disease. At times his spirit seemed ready to give up, but his brain carried on with dogged persistence.

I think I have been crying at least once every week in 2012. The thing is, everything is actually okay. I am not in a spot of desperation, although I continue to suffer the consequences of my stupidity and my self-doubt. Things could always be far worse than they are, and I don't know how I am going to take that into perspective by sulking all of the time.

***2011 In memoriam***

Last year (I can say that now!) was not necessarily a horrific year for me, but kind of terrible for many others. I think whatever went down in 2011 will only make the oncoming days sweeter.

I hope that 2012 brings less disaster and more cowbell. I also wish you all more prosperity and lots of love.

2011 Desired Accomplishments
*Stay on top of graduate school and start doing research
Needs improvement. Struggled, but stayed on top of some things and joined a lab

*Stop eating bread, or anything containing flour or sugar
Surprisingly have been able to do this at least a week at a time unless you throw in the words "stress" or "travel"
*Workout and get into good shape
Not fully in beast mode, but definitely in PR mode and I started bouldering and doing more yoga, which I love
*Lose 10 lbs. (I got pretty close with this last year, but did not follow through enough.)
Done, since this post I have lost about 15 lbs. Next year we go towards BMI solidly in Normal range.
*Make a cleaning routine and stick with it.
No.. unless you count panic cleaning before visitors as an actual routine.
*Read something that isn't a textbook (or blog?)
Also done, but still need to finish a book.

Status: Not crazy about what I am doing with my life. In danger of failing something due to sheer apathy.

Solution: Figure out what to do.